Current mood:

restless

i was bitten by the writing bug.. and now i have a swollen head that i am keeping propped up with my broom.

it feels strange to be writing here again. it's like a distant past i'm revisiting. i don't really know why i stopped writing my journal; i used to really enjoy updating it. but more importantly, i used to enjoy having people reading it and telling me even out of kindness and pity for my lack of coherent thinking that they were entertained reading my journal.

there's a lot i want to share, but right now, i'm going to keep this a private journal and update it later on in the day.

ok so where was i... i lied. i said i wanted to share more yesterday, and now it's today. and for some reason the inspiration i had yesterday, i must admit, was a little deflated yesterday. i mean today. i just found out the other day that we DO have separate words for 'tomorrow' and 'yesterday' in bangla: kalka=tomorrow, gotho kalka = yesterday. and all this time i just thought gotho kalka was day before yesterday, and kalka could either mean tomorrow or yesteryear. you know, my fiance, chris, tells me that in kenya, the word for he and she is the same word.... or maybe that's what he thought before he learnt more about the language. either way, the word for feet and feet should be called just 'feet'. i know, i shall patent it.

i don't think i want to be the personality of jack sparrow anymore. and though dumbledore is still the baddest wizard of all time and has great hair, i find myself wanting to start writing in my journal without the voices of either. surprisingly... in this character sketch... i want to be... myself???...!!! yeah i guess so.

the reason: i started writing a journal to chris, who is in kenya right now with the peace corps, during the times i wasn't able to speak with him. it helped me cope out how i felt and helped me feel less congested time to time. well, lo and behold, when everyone and my cells going through mitosis were wondering how on earth we'd keep contact without him having electricity,  (hilshire farm salad commercials are strangely intriguing) , um, so ... how was that going to end..... what i'm trying to say is, i have contact with him fairly often now and got out of the habit of writing in my journal. yesterday i picked up my journal and started reading some old entires...

there's a lot more in there i've found rather than just day to day things i did. it's not just a list of things i did that day, but it's like walking into my past. memories are great, but memory deteriorates especially after you start wearing depends. you can remember something from your past and smile, but when you've written it down and read back on it, you surprise yourself. you actually get to step into your head at that point in time of your life.

i thought about writing a journal to myself, but as i've told a good friend of mine, i would probably end up writing 'shut up' all over it,  just as i do in real life. i decided i didnt want to end up talking to myself. when i wrote to chris, i found that entertaining myself in my passages was more fulfilling. when i write to myself, i don't put much effort into capturing my day.

i don't really know what i'm trying to say, but to all of those people such as a good daktah friend i used to gallop from the library at 2:00 am in the morning with, i admire the dedication all of you've put into keeping up to date on your journals. i think last time i've put too much pressure on myself to come up with really creative, random, confuse-the-heck-out-of-people entires, and maybe that was just my style of writing then, and my style of writing changes time to time, but i've realized more importantly that i'd actually like to understand what i'm trying to say myself when reading back on the entries.

so now that i've fully justified myself and have lost pi/4ths of my readers (out of a whopping four live journal friends, yes, i pride myself in my ability to befriend as well), i'd just like to say it's hard for me to commit to writing. i lost interest if i can't find ways to be more creative. i set the bar high for myself, and then one day i just decide to hammer down the bar and bury it deep underneath the ocean floors right next to the nuclear waste. but, with all that, i'd like to come back to writing.